giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
