ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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