I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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