my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
