i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
