my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
