I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You're a waste of cheezeits
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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