Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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