rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
bring money and cleavage
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
