I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
