Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
