my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
