Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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