get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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