i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
