Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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