Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
