Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
