I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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