sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
