I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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