you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
