did you get engaged???
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Randomize
