No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
