Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
