Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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