sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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