you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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