I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize