I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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