It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
