I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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