I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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