he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
