my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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