Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
