I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
