I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Are these your boobs on my camera?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
