Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
