This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
