Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You had me at "let me see your balls"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
