Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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