We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
