you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
