nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i drank out of a bidet.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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