im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
