Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
