we made out on top of his cat.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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