you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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