no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
