I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
