Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
