1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
